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November 6, 2006

Dutty Wine

My friend went on a blind date the other night. Her first. Apparently, she had been told the guy was tall, handsome, funny, clever, musical, a doctor. He had been described to her as looking like Adam from Spooks.

She'd prepared for the date all week - getting lots of rest, going to the gym, buying a new outfit (including shoes). She was incredibly excited. She did, however, say that she was sure it was going to be a massive disappointment.

They met in a bar in Central London. On first meeting, she wasn't disappointed - he was indeed tall and handsome, very charming. He asked what she wanted to drink, she asked for a Leffe Blonde. He went to the bar, ordered their drinks and on his way back that's when she realised: he's gay.

She said it wasn't just the too tight jeans and the leather jacket. It was the white wine. He had ordered white wine. For. Himself.

I told her that surely there are loads of straight men who drink white wine. "In a bar?" she asked. I had to concede,"That is a bit poofy, but I thought gay men were drinking cocktails these days." She pointed out that this guy came out on a date with a woman, clearly by ordering white wine he was trying to hide his gayness. A Cosmopolitan would having given it away immediately.

I tried to think of any man I've ever known, friend or boyfriend, straight or gay, who has ever ordered white wine in a bar. Sure, we've had white wine with dinner, but in a bar? I couldn't think of a single one.

So please, tell me, do you think the fact this guy ordered white wine in a bar makes him gay? I want answers people. My friend's future depends on it.

Posted by Gia at November 6, 2006 8:02 AM

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Comments

Sorry, I have never heard of such a thing.

Karin, from in THE country of white wine (Austria)

Posted by: Karin at November 6, 2006 10:20 AM

I order white wine all the time when I visit restuarants (especially in summer), but thinking about it, I've never ordered wine in a bar before. Ever. I always order a beer, cider or whiskey, depending on what I'd like to drink... but wine?

Not sure if it's a gay thing or not, but it could be? :-)

Posted by: JBagley at November 6, 2006 11:11 AM

Karin- do the men in Austria order white wine in bars? Or is it completely unheard of...

JB- See? White wine. In a bar. Very odd.

Posted by: Gia at November 6, 2006 7:40 PM

Come on you guys, what the hell is gay about a man ordering/drinking white wine in a bar/wherever?
This is insane.
How boxedcategorised do you want us all to be.

I have never heard anything so childish and absurd as saying that hetero men drink only red wine (as opposed to white wine and rose) in bars.
Have you ever tasted a glass of great Chardonnay - I am talking about very special Chardonnay, which is something that you find by luck or great fortune (not the same thing) - and felt that you could not order this in a bar without risking your hetero status.
How absurdly silly.

Posted by: graham knox at November 6, 2006 9:39 PM

Graham- Absurdly silly? You're obviously not a single thirty-something woman who is looking for a man and realising that all the good ones are either taken or gay. Or both. ;)

'Do straight men drink white wine?' is NOT the question. My husband regularly drinks white wine and even Rose (though, to be honest, I *did* think he was gay for the first 6 months I knew him, but that's another story)... The question is 'Do straight men drink white wine in a bar?'

I've asked others about this and no one could remember a time when any man they knew ordered white wine in a bar.

Why might this be?

What about extravagant cocktails? If he had been drinking a Mai Tai would my friend have still been wrong to think he was gay?

Posted by: Gia at November 7, 2006 11:50 AM

I haven't actually ordered white wine in a bar, but I have often ordered red. This is because I can stomach only one or two beers, and some nights, don't want beer at all. Beer is considered the default drink, and wine is the best alternative.

The only reason I choose red over white is because I prefer red to white. Otherwise, I would have had white. For what it's worth, I'm straight and married.

Your man here may not like beer at all, and usually has red, but fancied a change.

Anyway, the real question here is why would a gay man go on a blind date with a woman?

Posted by: Simon at November 7, 2006 2:44 PM

"Anyway, the real question here is why would a gay man go on a blind date with a woman?"

That is, perhaps, a discussion for a completely different website. ;)

Posted by: Gia at November 7, 2006 3:45 PM

Yes, straight men do order white wine in bars. At least I do. Did so last night for example. Then again, I don't drink beer and, for me, wine always wins over other drinks.

Posted by: Anon at November 8, 2006 4:33 PM

Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! A straight man who orders white wine in bars!!!!

Interestingly though, you've chosen to remain anonymous. Hmmmm...

Go on, come out of the White Wine Drinking Closet, anon. ;)

Posted by: Gia at November 8, 2006 6:32 PM

Sounds like Graham is a White Wine drinker ;-)

Posted by: jason at November 10, 2006 6:41 PM

White wine drinkers are either women or homosexuals. Every schoolchild knows this to be true.

Posted by: hugh macleod at November 13, 2006 3:33 AM

Your poor friend - he MUST have been gay if he didnt fancy her !! I suppose moisturising and hating football also raises her suspicions?
I've ordered white wine in a bar by the glass, by the bottle and I enjoy a very un-gay life thank you. But, having thought about it, I've never ordered wine just for me. Lots of times have I ordered a glass in a bar when other people I'm with order wine, but never a lone wino. In truth that doesnt really have a bearing on the topic 'Is he, isn't he gay?' just an observation.
She might have just been ugly!!

Posted by: El at November 28, 2006 12:19 PM

Are you serious? My respect for your company just dropped a notch. What is this dren doing on your site? I know a number of straight...oh never mind, I can't believe I was going to debate this as something other than the same old gay-bashing that it is. Bias under a trendy 'toon drawn by Hugh is still bias. Make her stop. Please.

Posted by: kitchenmage at November 29, 2006 3:06 AM

Kitchenmage- Grow the hell up. Gay-bashing? GAY-BASHING?!

I talked to my son's lesbian nanny about the white wine drinking guy my friend went out with. Wanna know what she (I will remind you that she is a woman who has sex with women and, actually, one of her best friends is a gay man - hiv+, I might add, which adds extra "gay points" to the mix) said? She said, 'He must have been gay.'

You were about to say 'I know a number of straight men who drink white wine in bars.' Great. Wow. Good for you. Ever met a gay man? A lesbian? A bisexual? A transexual? How many of your friends are gay/lesbian/bi/trans? At least half? Ever been to a gay bar? Ever been to a lesbian bar? Ever spent your teenage years going to drag shows? Ever marched in a Gay Day parade? Do you have any friends whose fathers are gay? Any friends whose mothers are lesbians? Do you have any friends who are lesbian mothers? Do you have any relatives who are lesbian or gay? Do you have a gay relative who died of AIDS? Do you or do you not have a dear, dear friend who is a lesbian who has fallen in love with a man who used to be a woman? Do you? Tell me, Kitchenmage, do you?!

I do. All of those things are me.

So, don't you *dare* try and tell me that I am homophobic or gay-bashing.

Actually, it wasn't just the white wine. I left the bit out about how he told her he'd got his nails done for the date... See? I'm tellin' you. Queer.

Posted by: Gia at November 29, 2006 11:42 PM

I'm not here to defend my gay-friendly creds, Gia, although I'd have to answer yes to many of those questions, including the family member who died of AIDS. Nor to attack yours.

Your questions was: "do you think the fact this guy ordered white wine in a bar makes him gay?"

My short answer is "of course not, you ninny; having sex with people of the same sex is how you can tell people are gay." (the "making" of gayness is still under debate in the scientific community, isn't it?) but then you went and wrote "poofy" and then there were the comments.

and now you are giving extra "gay points" to someone for having a good friend who is HIV+ !?! What in the hell is a gay point? Can it be redeemed for condoms at the Purple Stamp store? (that may be an America-only joke unless they have Green stamps wherever you are)

on second thought, let me defend for a moment: "Do you or do you not have a dear, dear friend who is a lesbian who has fallen in love with a man who used to be a woman?"

actually it's a man who is unsure of his sexuality who is in love with a woman who wants surgery but can't reconcile becoming a man with her self-proclaimed radical lesbianism; they used to live together but now they don't and the guy has debated becoming a woman because maybe then she (the woman who wants to become male) will love her/him...

and then there's my lesbian friend who is in a child custody battle with her ex-wife...

or my friend who died from complications from her gender-reassignment surgery, after 18 months of hell...

WTF happened to this place? It used to be friendly and about wine.

~km
ps: straight guys get their nails done all the time, and lots of straight women don't.. what an odd place you must live...

Posted by: kitchenmage at November 30, 2006 12:23 AM

"what an odd place you must live..."

Ahhh, see, England. It *is* an odd place. You know the place where people have a sense of humour. Where anyone who takes themselves too seriously has the piss taken out of them. The place where even the straight men are poofy. The one English-speaking place in the world which understands 'irony'.

BTW it's the Pink Stamp store actually. I'm saving up for a holiday to Sitges...

Posted by: Gia at November 30, 2006 8:30 AM

Oh dear...

Will I ever be able to drink white wine in public again? Will I ever be able to go out in public again? Perhaps if I dress like David Hasselhoff, drink only beer with vodka chasers, talk only about boxing, smoke, slouch...generally act eastern european. That way I can keep my gay points score in the negative. Or will I have then gone so far in I've come out the other side? To hell with it, I'm destroying my Stevie Wonder collection just in case. And all my Star Wars videos, George Lucas's beard is suspiciously neat.

If I ever go on a date with a woman again (here's hoping) I'll make sure that if I ever accidentally provoke her homophobic prejudices by my behaviour falling short of her gay threshold I'll make damn sure I have sex with her to prove myself straight, whether she's consenting or not. That'll teach her not to screw with my feminine side. As for the whole consent thing, we all know they love it really...does rohypnol taste funny in white wine?

It's actually a well established fact (proven by ugly, boring female scientists with control issues) that all single men over the age of thirty are either married or gay. However currently a group of socially dysfunctional, single, homophobic male scientists are attempting to find a correlation with the female scientist's data, and the human instinct to try and fit the facts with the rationalistion. Morissey data not welcome. Neither is David Bowie.

Some monkeys working on the moon have come up with the insane notion that whatever stirs your loins indicates your sexuality. They are currently being ostracised by the scientific community: there is a petition to move their workstation to Pluto, which has been classified as not big enough to be a planet, but still desperately claims that it is.

Which leads me to muse - are men with small penises gay? They might as well be. They're not well equipped enough to satisfy women, and perhaps this is due to their latent homosexuality. They have neglected the size of their little fella as a sub-conscious protest against it's misuse. It makes sense to me. Sometimes I think my left knee is gay. It's not as robust as my right.

Is Steven Gerrard more gay this season than last? Last year he scored 23 goals from the right, now he plays down the middle and he's only scored one. Hmmm, suspicious, don't you think?

I have been analysing this topic for quite a while now. For any of you whose Gaydar is beeping because of this, let me assure you I am English and am therefore employing a level of irony that you probably just don't get.

I was going to clean my flat, but now I'm going to leave it - see, who's gay now? Not me. My flat stinks. You're probably gay because you read this far. Think about it. Gay, gay, gay, gay, gay...feeling a little fruity now? Go order some white wine, taste it. Tastes gay doesn't it? How about the way the glass feels in your hand? Raise your pinky...that's it...good. Now go and have carnal knowledge of your own sex - you know you want to. You can always blame the wine, or the irony.

Posted by: oliver Franks at December 1, 2006 11:55 AM

Hey Oliver! In answer to your questions:

No.
Yes.
Absolutely. Think of the 'clones'.
No, rohypnol tends to add depth to cheap wine. Try it.
Only the single ones.
Can't answer for libel reasons.
Very suspicious.
Cleaning your flat is gay.
I always feel fruity, thanks.
White wine makes *me* feel gay.
Gay.

Posted by: Gia at December 1, 2006 6:42 PM

Hey Oliver! What's this easterneuropean-bashing?!! ; D

And what would you call an epileptic who can't drink alcohol and still ordered a bottle of Stormhoek?
(a Hugh fan)

Posted by: Szili at December 10, 2006 9:55 PM

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